What Does Your Seltzer Choice Say About You?
Did you know that, in every can of seltzer, each bubble—like each snowflake that falls upon this special earth—is unique and particular and individual, but everyone who drinks a certain brand of seltzer is exactly the same? Read on to see what type of person you are, based on your choice. We promise it’s very accurate.
Illustrations by George Wylesol1/8La Croix
You’re over-committed, but you’re on top of it. You have that off-the-shoulder light blue dress, but you’ve had it since last summer, actually. You talk about your decision fatigue a lot. Right now, you’re leaning on a solid-colored wall and a friend is taking a picture of you. You know that he is taking a picture of you so that you will take a picture of him. The wall is pink.
Illustrations by George Wylesol2/8Canada Dry
You are doing your own thing at all times. You re-read the entirety of Moby Dick every other summer (the even years). You know your strengths, which are self-control and a high level of energy. You know the ropes. People don’t always get you, but you don’t mind. You know how to find a slow leak on a bicycle tire (submerge the tube into a bucket of water). I love what you said once about silence.
Illustrations by George Wylesol3/8Polar
No one thinks of you first, I’m sorry to tell you. You are invited on the day-trip because you’re roommates with Alix, who is driving. If I can give you a piece of advice, though I’m really not sure it’s my place, because I don’t know you that well: Don’t push sweetness so much. Faking nice is worse than neutrality. You know the way your voice sounds hollow and high when you say thank you to someone at the cable company customer service center who was uncivil to you? We’ve all been meaning say, we wish you wouldn’t do that.
Illustrations by George Wylesol4/8Schweppes
You are no-nonsense, you’re efficient, you’re the standard. You know about a good bargain, but you don’t mind investing in quality. You think about your items in terms of their amortization rates. You desire a raft. You know how to get places without a GPS, if you’ve been there even just once. You have two dogs. You’ve never heard of Ryan Seacrest. You’re 32. Public radio. Coasters.
Illustrations by George Wylesol5/8Topo Chico
You’re political, and you know what you’re talking about, and you went to the DACA-support protest but you didn’t make a pithy sign. You’re thoughtful and unhurried. You’re hard to locate sometimes. I have a crush on you. The quality of your effervesce is fantastic, and your salt content is irresistible. You told me to read Claudia Rankine. You’re a little fussy but no one mentions it because you’re so good looking. That glass bottle, it’s not even a twist-off.
Illustrations by George Wylesol6/8Vintage
You’re a classic and also the cheapest! You have impeccable taste in music. You have some great silk items in your home. Your hair is always clean, even though you’re fun. Once, in a bar basement with dancing, you said to me, “Where there’s smoke, there’s a fog machine,” and I haven’t forgotten it. You’re the ideal dinner party guest. Thanks for lending me your Amy Winehouse CD in 8th grade and not asking for it back because you knew I’d scratched it.
Illustrations by George Wylesol7/8Spindrift
You are highly social, but I think this is weighing on you. Your shoes are yellow and suede and look expensive, and you always seem inconvenienced. You only talk to one person at a time, and everyone feels very special talking to you, but then they see you talking to someone else in this way, and think like, huh, yes, right. You truly have so much juice in you that I don’t think you’re even a seltzer, though people treat you as such, and, as a result, you have very understandable identity insecurities. Basically, I’m here to tell you, you can just stay home on a Friday night; sometimes it’s better.
Illustrations by George Wylesol8/8Mountain Valley
Babe, you are doing too much. No more than six houseplants per cubic square foot, okay? You’re beautiful, obviously. Your skin is very flawless. You spent a summer doing permaculture work someplace remote and rugged, but now mostly I see you eating out of take-out containers from the good place down the street. Your shaman vibe is tiring to me, but it seems like your girlfriend is into it. I wonder how often you use your jade rolling-massager and also how much it costs, and this makes me feel crude and unworthy of a jade rolling-massager. You maintain great eye contact.