Hold My Calls: April Horoscopes Are Here, with Cheese

A cheese for every sign, because why not.
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Illustration by May van Millingen

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Welcome, starbabes! We are the AstroPoets, and we’re here to tell you about the next 30 days and which cheese will make them better.

Aries
Wake up, Aries! It’s your season. You may feel like this year hasn’t impressed you yet but it’s about to. We know you’ve been trying to make it work out with a certain someone but it’s time to change your focus. You’re an optimist at heart and in order to open one door, sometimes you have to close another. Late in the spring you will hear about a career opportunity which will excite you. It could be life-changing, but you won’t see the entirety of that yet. And as you’re running around everywhere, like you do, take some comfort in Halloumi. It's the best when grilled (yes, really) so bust out the cast iron for some "me time" indulging.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Taurus
You are the most glamorous earth sign, a lover of well-made and beautiful things, and strong people, too. While you may not have a long getaway planned soon, plan one. You’ll need something to look forward to as spring throws some not-so-well-made things and deception your way. Keep your discerning sensibilities with you all month as an ex-lover might pop out of nowhere and a co-worker may ask you to take on more than you need to. We know your taste in cheese is impeccable and for this rather long and winding month we recommend Aged Gouda, which has almost nothing in common with the gouda you’re used to. It’s buttery and nutty and will sustain you through all the anxiety that may come your way before summer.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Gemini
Well you made it through winter and you still don’t know how. That’s ok! Some clarity is coming your way at work and in your love life. You’ve been wondering when you’ll have a big career breakthrough—and there’s the potential for that in late spring—but you must collaborate with others, which we know is hard for you at times. This is the month where you must use your unique charm and knowledge to impress all the new people coming into your life, and there will be many. Whether you’re with someone or not, love is lucky for you if you allow yourself to actually say it. Love. It’s more than a word or an idea. It’s classic and wild both. Like the Cabot Clothbound Cheddar, which we suggest you try this month. It’s sharp and complex, just like you.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Cancer
Step out of the water and onto the earth. Yes, you’ve been trying to take care of yourself as much as you take care of others. But this month is going to ask more of you. It’s going to ask you the hard questions: where do you want to go and who do you want to be around you? Not for spring, we mean for life. Nothing is set in stone, but you’ll be making decisions with lasting impact and our advice is to lean toward the practical instead of the unfiltered, wild feeling which you do pretty well. The conversation you need to be starting is with yourself, though you’re so good at starting it for others. And while you have that conversation, have some Gruyère as well, which, like you, becomes more nuanced with age.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Leo
Here comes the sun and you along with it. Leo, you’re a mover and shaker! You can have whatever you want if you put your mind to it. And there’s been something in the back of your mind for a while now, but you’re terrified to want it. Even with your strong energy and fierce presence, nothing will wait for you, you have to grab it while it’s there. As you make your way into spring, be more aggressive and show your passionate side—even more than usual. You’ll be rewarded for it, especially in love. And while you’re using all that star fire power, bring some Manchego home with you. It’s a delicious Spanish crowd pleaser with a distinct, salty-sweet taste.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Virgo
Vibrant and steady one, things have been more chaotic than you’re used to. You have the ability to be inventive but you need a rubric. Take your rubric from the season. Begin something new, whether a new class or garden, or making time for a new friend or lover. You need a restart! Although you’re worried about where your career will lead in the big picture, set those worries aside. The stars are in your favor there. And Humboldt Fog is there to support you. It's a goat cheese (with an edible vegetable ash center) that epitomizes the season: tangy, bright, and welcoming. Remember! The new is the gate you must pass through this spring.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Libra
Hey Libra! We know you are ready to go out and enjoy the sunshine, because what better weather for you to do what you do best: flirt! This month will bring you many possibilities to wink, with a new love affair potentially happening on the 20th. And as you begin to show your feelings to a new person, take a cue from your cheese twin, Burrata, which is like a far more glamorous cousin of Mozzarella and goes well with a fresh tomato slice. Enjoy a fresh hunk of this cream of the gods as you contemplate your future, which for April, is airy, bright, and full of surprises.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Scorpio
We know all this ebullient excitement over the warm winds this month may not exactly be your thing, Scorpio, as you tend to be more of a fireplace on a wintry morn type. The good news is that all these new flowers are not only bringing pollen in the air, but a potent energy to you. You are the zodiac’s psychic, but this month will bring your natural powers into overdrive, particularly around the 15th. As you are tapping into all these vibes have some Scorpion cheese, Epoisses, which, like you, is a fire that no one can put out. As you pair it with a strong dark red, take in the initial glowing notes of its scent, and then the sweetness of its taste. This cheese is you, dear seer, and trust us, everyone wants a bite.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Sagittarius
What’s up, fire sign? We know that the beginning of 2017 has brought you, the lucky one, many chances and opportunities to stay busy. April is going to be no different. You’ll be rushing around all over the place, especially around the 10th, making new connections and planning for travel towards the end of the year. While you’re doing all this, have some Gorgonzola, which, like you, is powerfully blue and aggressive, but also complicated, with changeable tones. Pair its assertive tastes with some fresh pear slices and dream up next month’s adventure, which, not to give too much away, will include love!

Illustration by May van Millingen

Capricorn
We hope that you’re doing well these days, woodsy one, as you keep your nose to the ground and work away, carving out new spaces to demonstrate your star power this April. Keep your chin up towards the 6th, as love will be in your sphere for a few days. It might be a great time to share a cheese with your love, how about say, Boursin, which like you, is irresistibly velvety once you start in. It will be gone in minutes if you don’t check yourself. Or maybe use your cheese twin to fortify you as you sense some opportunities to make more money around mid-month, which you’ll need to work hard to make it all happen.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Aquarius
It’s April, dreamer! And what better time to break out all of your underlying optimism and hope for the future of the world. This month will give you many chances to philosophize, as around the 5th, you will receive some helpful advice from a friend, perhaps someone older and wiser than you who wants to help you succeed in the career arena. While you two are chatting, bring along some Raclette, which, like you, is part genius, part unicorn, and several parts trickster, and will taste great melted over a nice fresh fig. Also, watch out around the 12th, when a situation will bring your emotions out in ways that might be unexpected. Try to live in these feelings and don’t overthink them, as you sometimes are prone to do.

Illustration by May van Millingen

Pisces
Fish, you’re classically witty, charming, and can have at times, a scary intuition that brings you in touch with others’ spring feelings. Try to tune those out whenever possible, as they will keep you from enjoying your own. This month will be intense, particularly from the 4th through the 11th, as increasingly romantic feelings will grow between you and a new acquaintance. Indulge these sensations, as you indulge the good feelings you get from a nice chunk of Brie, which, like you, is buttery and aromatic. Also, take a lesson from your sign cheese: Most people leave the rind on their plates, but smart eaters know that that is the best part! These are the people you want around you, so surround yourself this month with these lovers of life.

Dorothea Lasky is the author of the forthcoming book of poems Milk (Wave Books), as well as several other poetry collections, including ROME (Liveright, W.W. Norton).

Alex Dimitrov is the author of the poetry collection Together and by Ourselves, out this April from Copper Canyon Press.

May van Millingen is an illustrator in London. Check out more of her work here.

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The AstroPoets are here with beer horoscopes for every sign, so don't @ us about pseudoscience.