All products are independently selected by our editors. If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission.
If you’re going to mount yourself upside down on a keg while someone holds the tap hose to your mouth, you probably want the beer coming out of that hose to be able to be inhaled quickly. After all, a keg stand in a grimy basement isn’t exactly the time or place to think about whether the flavor of your beer is up to par. In fact, those four (or five, or seven) years you called college weren’t the time for that at all.
But for those who are graduating this year, there’s a choice to be made. Do you continue to drink beer of the college variety, or do you upgrade to something a bit more refined? Just because there may not be as many keg stands in your new life doesn’t mean you can’t have fun drinking your beer. So get up off of the mess of accumulated cushions you call a couch, because this is your college beer graduation, and I’m your commencement speaker.
Also works for: Natty, Keystone, PBR, Bud, and all of the usual suspects.
Victory Brewing Co.’s Prima Pils was the first craft beer I ever tried, and it’s the one I recommend to anyone entering this newly charted territory, where fake IDs are a thing of the past and where beer no longer needs to taste like water. The first tasting note you'll notice is "flavor." So hop out of your 1997 Honda Civic coupe, enter your local liquor store, and grab a couple six packs of Prima Pils. The cashier will soon forget about the time he caught you with a fake ID and might even look at you with something resembling respect. Maybe.
Also works for: Negra Modelo, Guinness, or anything a bit darker than the typical lager
I’m not sure exactly when this notion appeared in my brain, but at some point in college, I assumed that people who drank darker beers were more interesting. Yuengling made sense, darker than a Bud and just as cheap. Now it's time to make the move to an Anchor Porter. Porters aren’t quite as intense as stouts, lighter in body with a bit of hops. Not the best choice for dizzy bat or flip cup, but an impressive choice for post-dinner drinks or a first date drink. Moving from a dark lager to a porter is like understanding Nietzche but knowing that you don’t need to talk about it.
Also works for: Any light beer that involves fruit.
Bud Light Lime is the dining hall cheeseburger of beers. You know it’s not good for you, and you know you can do better. When it comes down to it though, everyone loves it. But if you learned one thing in college (hopefully you learned at least one thing), it’s that you should question the status quo, trying to find a better option. Say, something that packs the tartness of a BLL with a more pleasant grapefruit flavor, something that drinks as easier in a park than anything you ever chugged in a frat house’s backyard. Basically, you have accumulated thousands of dollars in student loan debt to figure out that you should drink Sierra Nevada Otra Vez Gose instead of Bud Light Lime.
Also works for: Stela Artois, Hoegaarden, any and all Shocktop variants
Like your sophomore year ex, there are certain things you should just forget about. Putting an orange in your beer is one of them. Blue Moon was a learning experience. It was a suggestion of what love (or Belgian beers, depending on what we’re talking about at this point) could be.
But now you know who you are. It’s time to invest in a meaningful relationship with a Belgian beer, and Allagash is just the brewery in which to do it. White doesn't have the nauseating sweetness of Blue Moon, but instead has a subtle aroma of orange and coriander. Take this beer out to dinner at that new contemporary Mediterranean spot down the block. Laugh and grin when you drop a perfectly witty response to a current event. Show it you care. This metaphor got a little weird but just go with it.
Also works for: Anything with the word "Ice" in it, liquor
No one has ever bought a forty of Steel Reserve because they love the way it tastes. *Checks almanac* That has never happened. People buy Steel Reserve because its 8% ABV gets you to the next level that much quicker than the 5% ABV beers you know so well. Just because you don’t have the campus-wide safety net of couches to pass out on doesn’t mean you can’t still seek out beers with a slightly higher ABV.
Bell’s Two Hearted Ale, 7% ABV, is one of the best readily available beers in the country. Its hoppiness comes through in citrus and floral notes instead of the typical IPA bitterness. Plus, you don’t have to duct tape them to your hands and finish them as fast as possible. There is no drinking game called Edward Two Hearted Hands that I am currently aware of. Currently.
Louise Neumann is an illustrator in Tennessee. Check out more of her work here.